My Mum wants to spend one night with my brother’s ashes but his wife said no
DEAR DEIDRE: Since my brother died last year, his wife has been nothing short of cruel and coldhearted towards my grieving mum.
He was 38 and died of cancer. I’m his 32-year-old sister, and I always looked up to him as my big brother.
He lived with the illness with huge dignity until the very end. He was in a hospice before he died, and my mum barely left his side.
He was married to his wife for five years, and much to our dismay, she kept all of his ashes after his cremation.
Even when we kindly asked if she’d allow us to have a small amount just to make a keepsake like a stone or a necklace, but she refused.
My mum is desperate to spend one night with her son’s ashes, but his wife won’t allow it.
How do I convince her to change her mind?
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DEIDRE SAYS: When a child dies before their parents it is particularly difficult.
Try to remember that everyone grieves in different ways, and it’s likely his wife is being protective of his ashes as a result.
Could you and your mum create a different focus - perhaps plant a tree for him, make a water feature in his memory, or go for regular walks to a spot he loved as a child.
By creating your own memorial, or ritual, it will give your mum the ability to connect with her grief and heal in a way that isn’t dependent on where your brother’s ashes are.
I’m sending you my support pack, Coping With Bereavement to help you all navigate this tough time.
